The adventures of Boq and his best mate Phil
by The Robotic Hand
Summary: The epic tale of Boq and his best mate Phil, spies in WWII. AU
1. Chapter 1

Boq and his best mate Phil stood outside the headquarters of the nazis in Berlin, in Germany.

"So you remember the plan, don't you, Phil?" Said Boq "We have to sneak into the nazi headquarters steal the nazi's evil secret weapon, the dreaded solar death ray, kill Hitler and escape back to Britain, simple!"

"Ok," said Phil. For all the 20 years Boq had known Phil he had never changed he still had the same grey hair and deranged grin, and he always wore shorts even on top of snowy Mt Doom in Italy where they had overthrown Mussolini.

Phil silently removed the lid of the ventilation shaft and crept inside, Boq followed him. They crawled along until they reached the solar death ray room. They jumped inside, killed the two guards and put on their German army clothes. They then carried the death ray to a nearby truck and bolted it onto the back. Then they walked to the door of Hitler's office and knocked.

"Did you remember your gun?" said Boq.

"Oops, no," said Phil. So when Hitler opened the door they started beating Hitler to death. Unfortunately they hadn't anticipated the nazi's other secret weapon Hitler's super evil clone, Super Hitler, he was twice as fast, twice as strong and three times as tall. So just as they were about to deliver the killing blow, Super Hitler stomped in.

"Me destroy" he said in a deep booming voice. Phil and Boq were so scared they ran and jumped out the window and drove off in the truck with the solar death ray. Phil was driving and Boq was manning the solar death ray. When Super Hitler worked out what was happening, about five seconds later, he ran through the wall and got in his custom built motorbike with his demonic servant, Spawn of Lucifer, Satan Jr. for short, in the sidecar. Satan Jr. had the body of a bear and three snake-like heads but despite appearances he was quite a nice guy.

Soon Super Hitler, Satan Jr. and 20 other nazis on motorbikes were only a few hundred metres behind Boq and Phil. Boq had worked out the controls of the death ray and was soon zapping the nazis on motorbikes. Unfortunately Super Hitler was a very good driver and managed to dodge the death ray. However he lost concentration for one critical second and the death ray beam skimmed the front motorbike tyre. Although the ray only touched the tyre for a fraction of a second the rubber instantly melted and the motorbike swerved wildly and flipped over. The motorbike and sidecar soon turned into a flaming wreak that would have killed any human. However Super Hitler had been genetically modified to have fire retardant skin and climbed out unharmed. Satan Jr. wasn't so lucky, he was trapped under the burning sidecar.

"Please help me Super Hitler!" Satan Jr. gasped as the flames consumed one of his heads.

"No!" boomed Super Hitler, walking away. "You mere hindrance to noble nazi cause!"

Soon Super Hitler found a small crop duster in a nearby field and took off in it in pursuit of Boq and Phil. Meanwhile, luckily for Satan Jr., and possibly for civilisation as we know it, a drunk was driving along that very road on which Satan Jr. lying and crashed into the remains of the sidecar, knocking it off his body and saving his life. From that moment forth he vowed revenge on Super Hitler and the nazis.

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Boq and Phil looked behind them and breathed a sigh of relief. For they had seen the flaming pile of twisted metal that had been the motorbike and sidecar that had been pursuing them for many kilometres. However what they didn't know was that both the passengers had survived and at that very moment Super Hitler was taking off in a small crop duster. In the distance they saw a British fighter bound for Berlin.

Avaric, the fighter pilot, couldn't believe his luck. He had seen Hitler in a tiny unarmed crop duster flying incredibly slowly, labouring under the weight of Hitler. Funny, Avaric thought, I don't remember Hitler being that muscled in the photos, or that tall. However, there was no mistaking that jet-black hair or that toothbrush moustache. But before Avaric could fire, he heard a clang on his wing. Hitler had thrown a grappling hook onto the plane, and now, as nimbly as a ballerina was walking across the taut rope.

A few moments later he jumped onto the wing, unhooked the rope and smashed an ape-like hand through the cockpit window. Super Hitler grabbed Avaric and chucked him over the side of the plane before climbing into the Pilot's seat himself. As Avaric plummeted through the air towards the ground his final thought was that Hitler must have done a lot of working out recently. Meanwhile, Super Hitler smiled to himself, soon he would track down and kill those two thieves and return the solar death ray. Master would be pleased.

The first Boq and Phil knew of Super Hitler's escape from the motorbike crash was the rattle of gunfire on the tarmac of the road they were driving on. They looked up, there was no mistaking that face, it was like some grotesque thing from a half forgotten nightmare. Forcing himself to look away from the face Boq climbed onto the back of the truck while Phil swerved wildly to avoid the hail of bullets. It was even harder to hit the plane with the death ray than a motorbike because the plane was going so much faster but even so Boq tried valiantly to hit it. However they soon had a stroke of luck. Super Hitler, frustrated by Phil's erratic driving and his dwindling supply of ammunition decided to fly at the truck head on. Boq, seeing this opportunity took aim at the plane and managed to ignite the engine. The plane dived almost vertically, belching thick black smoke and finally plunged into the Rhine.

"Yay," exclaimed Phil as a massive smile spreading across his face. "Super Hitler is dead!"

"No," Boq replied, more soberly. "We've just delayed him. Nothing can kill that thing."

Super Hitler was incandescent, he wanted Boq and Phil dead, as painfully as possible and at any cost. No longer was he the cool collective assassin that had never failed to kill his target. He had snapped, He had come through madness and out the other side, he no longer cared about the war or his master, Hitler. He would gladly kill Hitler if it meant he would be able to catch Boq and Phil. Super Hitler clambered up the muddy bank of the Rhine and stood dripping and shaking with anger. He saw a brick wall ahead and punched it, a huge crack spread across it, he punched again, it crumbled completely. Some of his rational thoughts returned, he was ready.

Boq's mood started to improve as they neared the airport. There had been no sign of pursuit since Super Hitler's plane had come down and they could hijack a plane to get them back to Britain. He had even started to believe that Super Hitler was dead. In a few hours they would be back in London having destroyed one of the nazi's most powerful secret weapons and stolen another. We'll be heroes, thought Boq.

Super Hitler's mood was improving too. He had seen the truck with the distinctive death ray mounted on it and was following it at a safe distance. He chuckled softly to himself.

When Boq and Phil reached the airport, they soon saw a pilot and a co-pilot heading towards a cargo plane getting ready to take off. Boq and Phil snuck up behind them and after a brief struggle they were tied up and unconscious. After donning the clothes of the pilots they disassembled and began to load it into the cargo hold.

Super Hitler watched and waited silently, resisting the urge to run out and beat them to death. There were too many people around. When they weren't looking he got up and ran into the cargo hold, concealing himself behind a crate. He sat absolutely still for two hours waiting for his chance to strike. Super Hitler pouted his lips and made a sound exactly like the sound of a stranded cat. Obediently Boq climbed down into the cargo hold searching for the cat.

Something was wrong. Questions bubbled up in Boq's mind, Why hadn't he heard the cat before? What was it doing at an airport anyway? Something moved in the corner of his eye. He whirled round and ducked just in time. A fist whizzed over his head that almost certainly would have killed him.

"Phil!" He yelled while dodging punches. "We have a problem!"

"Is the cat scratchy?" He replied. "I can deal with scratchy cats."

"Me obliterate!" Roared Super Hitler. Phil figured out what the problem was.

Luckily Super Hitler's reactions were slow and it was easy for Boq to dodge them. However his blows didn't seem to have any impact, it was like hitting a brick wall, and Boq was tiring. Every punch Super Hitler threw seemed to get closer and closer to hitting him. Finally Super Hitler managed to hit Boq with a glancing blow, sending him sprawling to the floor.

"Help!," Moaned Boq, barely conscious, as Super Hitler closed in for the kill. Phil heard the cry and rushed into the cargo hold wielding a crowbar. He smashed the crowbar into the back of Super Hitler's head but it seemed to have no effect but to enrage Super Hitler even more. Boq took over the fight until suddenly a thought occurred to both Boq and Phil at the same time.

"No one's flying the Plane!" They exclaimed simultaneously. Boq, Phil and Super Hitler stopped fighting for a moment and looked out the window. They were heading for the ground, fast. Super Hitler grabbed a parachute and dived out the emergency exit, leaving Boq and Phil watching the window, transfixed. The ground was rushing up to them, faster, faster. Then everything went black.

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

Boq opened his eyes. He couldn't remember how he had got here or where he was. He was lying on a cold, stone floor. Japanese soldiers looked down on him threateningly. Nearby, still unconscious, was Phil. Then the memories all came flooding back, Super Hitler, the fight, the plane crash. They must have survived the crash and been captured by the Japanese. Phil stirred.

"Where are we?" He asked, Talking to no one in particular.

A Japanese soldier spoke, "You are in mighty Japan, you have been captured and you will tell us everything you know, or we will make you tell us." He brandished an array of painful looking torture weapons.

Suddenly the door flew open revealing a savage looking demon with the body of a huge bear and three snake-like heads, one badly burnt. It was Satan Jr. The Japanese soldiers all fled in terror.

"Hey, aren't you Super Hitler's, sidecar guy, the one we killed?" Said Phil, confused.

"I was," said the demon, wincing at the thought. "But Super Hitler left me to die and when I escaped, I vowed to get revenge on him and the nazis so I tracked you and Super Hitler across the continent."

"Thank God you saved us though," said Phil.

Satan Jr. recoiled in disgust. "Do not say the name of the creator in my presence," he hissed.

"Jesus Christ! I'm sorry!" Satan Jr. recoiled further.

"God almighty! I said it again!" By this point Satan Jr. giving off thick black smoke.

"Sorry!" Phil whispered meekly.

Later, after they had left the building and explained to Satan Jr. about their mission to retrieve the death ray, they were spotted by a group of soldiers. One shouted an order in Japanese and another ran to what looked like an aircraft hanger and pressed the button to open the door. A gigantic genetically modified Scorpion lumbered out of the hangar. It was about the size of a small house and jet black. It had a vicious looking stinger and claws that could crush a man. As it stomped towards Boq, Phil and Satan Jr., it saw Satan Jr.'s snake like heads and, since scorpions and snakes are friends, the Colossal scorpion turned on the soldiers and started attacking them.

The soldiers didn't stand a chance. The stinger was incredibly fast and accurate, hitting a soldier with every strike. The soldier's weapons were useless too, the bullets just bounced off the huge exoskeleton. Within seconds, every soldier was dead and not a scratch on the scorpion.

"Yay! Let's called him Cuddles!" Exclaimed Phil, clearly impressed by the scorpion.

Later that day Phil, Boq, Satan Jr. and Cuddles set off for Tokyo in search of the death ray. Little did they know the death ray would find them.

Tokyo seemed hopeless. It was a maze of twisted side streets and crowded market places where you could be standing two metres away from the death ray and still not see it. The city stretched on for what seemed like forever, someone could spend a lifetime searching for something here and never find it

They were in a crowded marketplace on the back of Cuddles, looking for the death ray. They had spent the whole day looking and found nothing and were just about to find somewhere to sleep for the night when the crowd started to scream. Emerging from what had previously seemed to be an old abandoned warehouse was Japan's other secret weapon, a giant robotic scorpion with the death ray bolted onto the back. It was easily twice as big as cuddles and looked a lot more powerful. Instead of an exoskeleton it had steel plating. Instead of a stinger it had a vicious-looking buzz saw. The thing identified Cuddles as an enemy and started to aim the death ray.

Cuddles ran with the others on it's back, it had no hope of defeating that robot, especially with the death ray on it's back. Cuddles ran, at first, faster than the robot because it was so much lighter but it couldn't keep up that speed forever and soon the tank-like robot was catching up. Despite this, Cuddles seemed unbothered and navigated the streets of Tokyo as if looking for something. At last it found what it was looking for an put on a burst of speed it was a road under a narrow bridge. Cuddles ducked under the bridge with ease but the robot wasn't so lucky. The low tunnel entrance knocked the death ray clean of the back of the robot and the tunnel sides scraped the legs, damaging them. When the robot emerged from under the bridge it was missing it's most powerful weapon and walked with a limp. Cuddles turned to face it's opponent, the odds had become more even.

As Boq and the others climbed off the back of cuddles, Boq noted that they were now in the financial district of Tokyo and were surrounded by skyscrapers covered in glass.

The two scorpions faced each other for a moment before viciously attacking one another, stabbing and snapping at each other with their stingers and pincers. Cuddles, being smaller and more agile, landed the majority of blows but the damage was only superficial, only denting the tough steel shell. The robot on the other hand missed most of it's strikes but when it did hit it cracked and pierced Cuddles's shell so soon Cuddles was coved in little cracks oozing yellow blood.

Suddenly, as Cuddles looked like it would be beaten soon, Cuddles turned around and ran up the side of a nearby skyscraper. The robot pursued but because of it's weight the glass groaned and creaked under its weight. When Cuddles was most of the way up the skyscraper it turned around and stung the glass with all it's remaining strength. The weight of the robot, about ten metres below Cuddles, and the sting was more then the glass could take. The whole area around the robotic scorpion shattered, sending the robotic scorpion plunging towards the ground. There was a terrific crunch and when the dust cleared all that was left was a twisted pile of metal.

To be continued…


End file.
